Pant Suits and Pakistani Drupes

So, fire one - what do an African footballer, Ellis Island, and my future ex-wife(s) all have in common?

Boredom.

Its been a few slow weeks here in the tropics - I had a stint in Ghana and picked up some sort of Ghanaian death bug that has swollen my throat closed for nearly 3 weeks now. No white dots, no inflamed tonsils. I've been told its a virus. Drink hot tea. Here's some ibuprofen, call us if you have breathing problems. Yeah, call us if you are having trouble breathing, I'll be the first to let you know. Although unabated-swole-throat is a *minor* condition that only stops me from talking or eating, I've taken this opportunity to do absolutely nothing resembling work for almost 2 weeks and blame it on the malady.

You should really stop cussing me through the screen - jealousy isn't becoming of you.

So, being that I had an improptu vacation, I had to somehow fill my time with something that didn't involve drinking and ranting. This was daunting, daunting indeed.

Enter Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. SVU. Ess Vee Fucking You.

This is the stuff dreams are made of. A rough and tumble group of dedicated detectives solving sexually based crimes throughout the boroughs of NYC. Do I like NYC? Well yeah, sure, why not, I hear the pizza is excellent. Do I like sex? Hell yeah, getting warmer. Oh yeah, well how about ex-rappers and intense Asians kicking pedophilic ass? Yeah? Yeah? DAMN STRAIGHT, NOW WE'RE TALKIN!

Ex cop killer Ice-T, Ex funny man Richard Belzer, Ex drunk Dann Florek, Ex Marine Christopher Meloni, Ex wives Mariska Hargitay and Diane Neal and Asian par exellence BD Wong, who I didn't have anything funny to write about, but who's expression is so serious you'd better believe he's got a lot of ass to kick and the day ain't gettin any younger, you know?

There is nothing flashy here, folks. We're talking minimalistic camerawork dictated by intense pacing and a gritty motif right out of 1986. I could write a novel about the numerous strengths of this show, spending the first 7 or so chapters on any scene involving Mariska Hargitay, with a special nod to any scenes involving Mariska Hargitay running, and then the next chapter or so on the dearth of scenes involving Mariska Hargitay running.

No, they're not doing it, but if there's anything that's going to keep me praying, this is it.

I sometimes find myself waking up from my mid-day nap around 2:30 and wondering what to do until dinner time. In comes about 5 episodes of SVU, laying across my couch wearing nothing but pagne pants and a contented smile and then its off to eat a yam or two. And the months keep passing by... Seriously, though, whoever does the casting for this show is an unsung hero - mixing rappers with minorities, ex-military strongmen with independent, successful, pant-suit wearing models and everyone has guns and drop-kicks men who touch little boys. I'll be damned if that isn't some kind of satisfying.

The last thing you see before you die


Diane Neal, I would love to break up with you one day.

Now were going to change gears here and learn about the Togolese superstar and my close neighbor, Emmanuel Adebayor.

Exhibit A: The face that launched a thousand shots

Adebayor is a living legend here in Togo, born in Lome 24 years ago, he is the quintessential rags-to-riches story, rising from the slums of Togo at a young age to become the star striker for Arsenal. (If you don't know what Arsenal is, don't feel bad, I had to google 'striker') I have heard many, many stories of his unending wealth and omnipresent power from locals who all know him personally - some of his well-known feats-

- He was born in Ghana, but became Togolese after deciding that being Ghanaian would be too 'easy'

- His grandfather lived to be 130 years old. This is why Adebayor is so strong. Duh.

- Adebayor has sired 105 children.

- He speaks Mandarin Chinese

- He is near 7ft tall (a line was drawn over my 6'4" height - "Are you sure he's that tall?" I asked. "Yes," the cafeteria owner told me. "He's very tall. Too tall.")

- He likes coconuts.

- He can fly.

Exhibit B: Adebayor in mid-flight

So what ties all of this together?? A Togolese superstar (foot)balling out of control and a popular syndicated American crime drama? Freedom, my friends, freedom.

Adebayor's house. Wait for it... wait for it...

BOO YAH!

Its a Statue of Liberty with a damn soccer ball on it - her vigilant eye keeping watch over the tired, huddled masses that constitutes pretty much every Togolese I've ever met... these folks are tough. Look at it one more time, make sure you take in all of its resplendent glory. This is Adebayor's house, which is 5 minutes around the corner from mine. Only in West Africa does this make any type of sense. God, I love this place.

Well, anyway, I gotta get out of here - Adebayor just contacted me with his mind powers and wants us to take his rocket car to Islamabad for a long weekend. I didn't know this, but the dude loves cricket. And apparently Pakistani coconuts aren't all that bad.