Determined to Tan: Election-Fever Pt. 1

I'm sure that all of you are up-to-date on your political leaders of insignificant West African countries and their impossible to pronounce names, but seeing as a few days ago Togo had their presidential elections, I'll take a moment to refresh your memories. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Eyadema Gnassingbe, Togo's 3rd president (read: effectively the only one that's ever been), holding concurrent records for Africa's longest-running dictatorship, and snazziest porteur of blue suede since the King himself.

Everyone, Papa Gnas

Papa Gnas' 38 year "reign of terror" was marked by an almost casual brutality, slapstick incompetence and incredible 70s haute-couture-

The couch is 100% baby seal hide

I have it on good word that Eyadema had 50 wives and sired over 200 children cause, hey, what the hell else is there to do when bathing in Channel #5, laughing at the United Nations, and dumping bodies of political dissenters out of helicopters gets old? Eyadema took power in a coup d'etat back in '68 and could just never be bothered to leave. Upon his death in 2005, turmoil ensued in Togo, with his son (go figure) rising up in the vacuum of power. Baby Faure shouldn't have technically by which I mean legally been the guy that took over the presidency, but hey, first come first serve, bitches.

It is important to point out that the Gnassingbe's come from the North of the country. They are Kabye. The assassinated president in 68 was from the South of the country. He was Ewe. The entire army is Kabye. Most of the ministers are Kabye. Back in the day scholarships went not to the kids who won the scholarships, but to Kabye kids. However, the Ewe are the most numerous and, some say, more economically powerful just by their numbers. So, there in a nutshell is where problems arise here.